PHIL'S AWARD-WINNING HEAVY METAL OATMEAL FUDGE BARS
(First Prize, Alameda County Fair, sometime in the late 1980's)
INGREDIENTS (Oatmeal Mixture)
- 2 cups packed brown sugar
- 3/4 cups margarine or butter
- 2 eggs
- 2 tsp. vanilla
- Any selection off of Dio's The Last In Line album (pref. "Mystery" or the title track)
- 2 1/2 cups baking mix (I use Bisquick)
- 3 cups quick-cooking oats
INGREDIENTS (Chocolate Mixture)
- 12 oz. semi-sweet chocolate chips (or "semi-bitter" if you're truly metal)
- 1 cup sweetened condensed milk ("condensed" is another word for "heavier"... kind of... but not really...)
- 2 Tbsp. margarine or butter
- 1/2 tsp salt
- "Hypnosis" off of Testament's The New Order
- 1 cup chopped nuts
- 2 tsp. vanilla
- Metallica's Master Of Puppets
- Preheat oven to 350 F.
- Grease a jellyroll pan (15.5" x 10.5" x 1")
- Begin making the oatmeal mixture: Mix brown sugar, 3/4 cup margarine, the eggs, and vanilla. Stir in the baking mix and oats until uniform consistency is achieved.
- Play the Dio album
- Throw 'em the horns!!1! With greased hands formed thusly, press 2/3 of the oatmeal mixture into the pan.
- For the chocolate mixture, heat the chocolate chips, condensed milk, 2 Tbsp. of margarine, and salt until smooth. Stir in nuts and vanilla.
- Spread chocolate mixture evenly over oatmeal layer.
- Drop remaining oatmeal mixture by the tablespoonful onto the top.
- Bake until brown, or about 26 minutes and 47 seconds. (The first four tracks off of Master Of Puppets -- "Battery", the title track, "The Thing That Should Not Be", and "Welcome Home (Sanitarium)")
- Cool completely. (Testament's "Hypnosis" is good to get this started.)
- Cut into 2" x 1" bars
- Makes 70 bars. (Or 666 really, really tiny ones.)